I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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