She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Panties = found
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