when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
