I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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