Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize