I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We left the knife in your bed.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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