Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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