There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize