So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
