So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
