Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
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