You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
