Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
