if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Never underestimate the power of titties
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
