Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
