At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
