OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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