Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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