I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize