I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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