we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
nutella sex= disaster
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
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