He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
