youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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