He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize