Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
