I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
