Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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