omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize