So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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