I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
