Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
