piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
