Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
