Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
