he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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