I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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