Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
