I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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