just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
