Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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