He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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