I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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