pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i now understand why vodka
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize