I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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