dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
