i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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