have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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