i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
