The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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