tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize