Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
