my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize