i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
