A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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