I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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