Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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