Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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