Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize