When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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