Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
